Anywhere from 10 to 20 percent of Americans, according to a variety of polls, including those conducted by the Gallup organization, believe the moon landings were faked. Influenced by a combination of greater knowledge of media technology and an increasing mistrust of government, a vocal minority of Americans believe Neil Armstrong and the other astronauts performed in a TV studio, possibly set up in the Nevada desert.

    The deaths of the three Apollo I astronauts in 1967 and the seven Challenger astronauts in 1986, they claim, were government- sanctioned murders to silence those who were planning to reveal the truth about the government conspiracy. The conspiracy that the government doesn't have the technology to place mankind on the Moon but does have the ability to stage TV shows has been spread by several sites on the Internet with hundreds of chat- rooms; it has recently been supercharged by a FOX TV semi- documentary that failed several journalistic standards for accuracy, fairness, and unbiased news presentation, but was seen by several million Americans. Other popular conspiracy theories include the belief that the Zionists are taking over the banking and media industries, Bill Clinton sold nuclear secrets to the Chinese to finance his second campaign, the CIA was behind the John F. Kennedy assassination to keep him from withdrawing troops from Vietnam, there is a super-secret military base, Area 51, in the desert where the government is harboring extraterrestrials, and that Pokemon characters have begun a campaign of mind- control. All are false, except the one about Pokemon.

    In an era in which conservatives are now challenging authority and distrusting government, replacing territory liberals held for decades, combined with the proliferation of radio talk shows, it's not surprising that the nation is awash with conspiracy theories.

    Marshbaum brought the latest conspiracy to my attention.

    "George W. Bush is the president of the United States."

    I just looked at him. Even Marshbaum, whose beliefs often go to the edge, this time tripped over it.

    "Dick Cheney is president,"I told him. "You know that. I know that. Eighty percent of all Americans know that. Elected fair and square by a 5-4 Supreme Court vote."

    "Twenty percent of Americans can't be wrong,"said Marshbaum.

    "How do you explain the fact that President Cheney is surrounded by Secret Service agents?"I smugly asked.

    "They're not agents,"said Marshbaum. "They're cardiologists."

    "I suppose you can explain why it's President Cheney who's all over the West Wing, directing commissions, programs, and staff."

    "To confuse the Democrats. If they think the President is Cheney, they'll leave the real president alone to do whatever it is that a president does."

    "A president makes speeches. Even if we don't agree with him, he's supposed to at least sound presidential. Look at Dubya's own statements. He told us 'Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment.' He told us he wants to make America ' a literate country and a hope fuller country.' How about, 'More and more of our imports come from overseas'? Or, 'Reading is the basics for all learning.'? He wrongly told us 'it's the legislature's job to write law [and] the executive branch's job to interpret it.' Does any of that sound Presidential?"

    "I admit,"said Marshbaum, "it sounds more vice- presidential, more Quaylese."

    "Even Dan Quayle sounded intelligent compared to Bush,"I suggested."

    "George W. Bush was never a vice-president,"said Marshbaum, "so maybe he's just trying to do two roles at once."

    "He can't even do one role."

    "He's one of the most aggressive ambitious men in America."Marshbaum drew to his full height, straightened his bolo tie, adjusted his 10-gallon hat, rubbed dirt of his boots by cleaning them on his trousers, and recited the W's Philosophy of Government: "I know there's a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure."

    "Most of the success is President Cheney's,"I retorted. "Besides, if Bush is president, how do you explain the cabinet?"

    "What's Broyhill got to do with all this?"

    "Not that cabinet, the one with Colin Powell and Donald Rumsfeld in it. Dick Cheney was a central player in the administration of George the Elder. At least a third of the cabinet and senior staff were in the Old Man's administration. They're Cheney's friends, not the Shrub's. That's how you know Cheney is president."

    "That's how I know you're wrong. Dubya believes in history."

    "In three years, Dubya will be history. Cheney's gonna have to dump him and find someone else. The nation won't tolerate having an intellectual lightweight waiting in the West Wing to take over. We may not agree with President Cheney, but at least we know he's brighter than the vice-presidential gopher-boy."

    "Dig all the dirt you want,"said Marshbaum, "but years from now, you'll find out the truth."

    "The truth is President Cheney is running the country and unless the economy goes further into the dumpster will probably be re-elected."

    Almost as soon as I said it, I realized the revelation wasn't that Marshbaum believed Bush was president but that he wanted the rest of us to believe it. That was the real conspiracy. "You're working for the Democrats,"I proclaimed. "A President Cheney on life support is still far better for the country than a physically fit Vice-President Bush. If we think Bush is president, we'll vote for any Democrat, no matter how incompetent."

    Marshbaum just smiled.

JULY 2001
Copyright 2001 Walter M. Brasch