written by
Raymond Lesser
"FUNNY TIMES"
Vol. 13:7 pg.23
July 1998

My name is Bob Splice.  I was conceived in a Cleveland test tube on January 2, 2000, the dawning of the age of really safe sex.  My dadmom is Gene Splice Inc. who created me with immunity to all sexually transmitted diseases, and a libido that makes it very difficult to walk past a roomful of young Petri dishes without wanting to leave my own test smear.  I officially went on the clock on Labor Day, when I was delivered to the Pampers Stay-Dri Nursery by my surrogate mother Mabel, who has been working overtime as a receptionist for Gene Splice, when she was persuaded to be implanted during her coffee break by a lab technician desperate to impregnate his daily quota.   Mabel received a $15,000 bonus for her pregnancy and labor, which she used to purchase a second-hand Honda, and to bail her brother Rudy out of the county jail, after he was arrested for exposing himself to an interactive TV set.

My genes were specially selected and engineered to provide me with optimum abilities and tolerances to work in the field of repetitive digital tasks.  I could press the pound sign before I could talk, and was already withdrawing fast cash from an ATM by the time I was in kindergarten.  Because of a low tolerance for sun I am most content in windowless indoor environments where I can safely monitor the outside dangers of murderers, thieves, cab drivers, and the weather with my full array of digital communications devices.

As with all other life forms created by Gene Splice, my genes are patented and licensed to me by the corporation.  In addition to a licensing fee of $10 a day the corporation loaned me the facilities and products necessary to nurture and educate me, in order to bring me to my full potential as a citizen of the Global Economic States.   By the time I was fourteen I was fully trained an ready to begin repaying by debt of $315,000 (plus interest compounded daily) to Dadmom by starting work as a data processor in the Microsoft Office.

There I rented my first cubicle and began the life of an Independent Information Contractor, or as we are affectionately called, a Temp.  The office is equipped with all amenities including a Starbucks coffee robot, where I have spent many happy hours waiting for a cup of espresso, and the ATT Internet access which enables me to maintain fascinatingly familiar contacts with thousands of people throughout the world who are cloned just like me.  We have our own user group called the Bob Splice groups, where we can access information about ourselves from all the many Bobs who inhabit our personality.  Dadmom also uses this site to keep us informed about the latest upgrades available to our gene package, which can enable us to live longer, healthier, and more productive lives of trouble-free service.  These upgrades are available for reasonable and necessary fees, with financing and extended warranty packages generously offered for every upgrade. 

I am glad for the opportunities that my temporary life has provided.   I live in the most modern temporary housing in an urban corridor of land that is scheduled for major redevelopment.  A nearby strip mall provides all the finest fast food franchises, a convenience store, and a Wal-Mart, where I can obtain practically everything that I'll ever want.  In my limited time here I have made many temp acquaintances who share my interests in the newest digital music and games for our Nintendo Holographic Playhouses.  Though our schedules are disjointed and filled with work, we still find ample time for all out temporary pleasures.

As independent contractors we are free to process as much data and work for as many hours as we choose.  At current minimum rates of reimbursement I need to temp about 40 hours a week in order to make my monthly payments.  I use an additional 20 or so hours of weekly earnings to build up my nest egg, and help support my son Bob Splice 90210, who is now two years old, and growing up with Dadmom in a nursery in Beverly Hills.  I have big plans for Bob 90210, who I believe will someday become a star digital processor in Hollywood.  I monitor his progress daily via video surveillance cameras, watching as he punches the buttons on his first tapedeck, microwave oven, and burglar alarm panel.  It is Bob who will inherit the family business when I eventually retire in order to spend my life's savings on all the claims that my health insurer denies.  It is Bob who will carry on the family name and tradition of digital excellence that Bob Splice is known for in the many multi-national corporations for whom we work.  Wherever there is data to be processed in the world, whether it be statistics on the production of coconuts in Thailand or the amount of raw sewage flowing through the Madison Avenue pipeline, you can be certain Bob Splice will be in the thick of the action.

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